The cravings don’t stop. If I sit, I can’t control it. If I stand, I can’t control it. When I take a walk, it gets even difficult. I don’t have an answer and I don’t know what to do without smoking. I thought I would be counting up the days as some sort of minor achievements, but each day without smoking makes me feel that the entire thing is doomed and it only ends bad for me. 

My legs are aching nonstop almost as if they are begging me to do something about them. I eat only when I can’t bear to listen to the hunger pangs. I see the smokers while coming to office and feel that they are the most blessed people in the entire world and curse myself. It was just a very stupid decision. To start smoking. I guess we can’t escape the consequences of the choices we make. 

Whenever I sit idle for a second, or try to think of anything other than work, I don’t know what to do or how to control it. I can’t do it for sure, but I don’t understand how to control it. I drink all day at home and I pass out more than I sleep. Thankfully I have no problem sleeping, I never had. I don’t want to have a moment with myself, and that’s the most difficult thing to achieve. Everybody bores me or irritates me. I can’t talk to anyone with any clarity in thought and the days at office pass like they are something out of my control and I only have to let myself watch how they pan out. 

Does it ever get better, or am I doomed to be in this endless loop of repeating myself and hating myself for it even more every day. There is a long weekend coming up and I’m shit scared of how I’m gonna spend it. What would I to do. May be I should take some medication to put me to sleep all three days or I should try to write more, which would be full of senseless drivel like the above since I can’t think clearly or concentrate on anything. I’m not in an ideal frame of mind to write anything, but only when I type something, I would be able to control myself. I desperately want something to change and I honestly don’t want to smoke, though I admit it is getting crazy difficult with each passing day. 

Should I seek professional help? I wonder at times, but I want to do this all on my own and see if I’m up for it. I tried to read Allan Carr’s Easy way and the guy pisses me off with his cheerfulness. He looks like a kind of charlatan, and definitely talks like one. His book tells me that I can enjoy quitting smoking and it’s the easiest thing to do. Reading a page of it can make me depressed for almost a week in my current frame of mind. Anyway I don’t think reading about any methods are gonna make it any easier and as of now I only trust in my method. If this doesn’t work for me nothing ever will. If this doesn’t work, if, if, if…I shudder. Anyway, I plod on.